


and miles to go before i sleep

by Aseikh



Category: Ranger's Apprentice - John Flanagan
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Just a background detail I want people to be aware of, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, because i like it, relationship IS NOT the focus, talking through trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-03 08:43:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21176612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aseikh/pseuds/Aseikh
Summary: When Will visits Castle Araluen, Horace drags Will to catch up with him and Cassandra. It doesn't go that well.





	and miles to go before i sleep

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic mostly centering around Will, Cassandra, and Horace, but Alyss is mentioned once or twice. I say this because there is Horace/Cassandra/Will/Alyss mentioned throughout the story (and it's tagged). It's not the main focus (but I should really write something where is it), because I love the idea of the four of these characters having a casual, fluid, poly relationship, and it makes me happy to think about. If you don't like it, don't read it. Enjoy!

"Just for an hour," Horace murmured, blocking Will from closing his door. "I know you're busy Will, but it's been so long since we've seen each other …" he trailed off, gesturing down the hall. "Just an hour to catch up and then I'll leave you alone." The knight smiled sadly, one eyebrow raised in a hopeful question.

Will stared up at Horace, considering the offer. He had to wake up earlier then usual the next day—he had a meeting with Crowley, and then they both had to meet with Duncan afterwards. That was really the only reason he was at Castle Araluen at the moment. But when Horace had found him, it had been late, and he had wanted to sit down with him and catch up. It _had _been a while since they had seen each other, and even longer since Will had seen Horace's fiancee, Princess Cassandra. They were still planning their wedding, which would of course take at least another year to plan with everyone they would need to contact and organize around. Will _was _also supposed to be the Best Man, which made him nervous with it being a _Royal Wedding, _so it would be nice to see the bride and groom before everything was figured out. People would ask him how he felt about being friends with the Crown Princess and that his best friend was marrying her, but Will could only say that it still sometimes surprised him when he sat down to think about it. Saying anything more then that, that their relationship was slightly different from friends and best friends, would probably not be the best for their predicament.

Horace could see that Will was considering the offer and smiled. He reached through the partially opened door, and set a hand on Will's forearm. A familiar, warm gesture that Will had honestly missed. It was reassuring. It was comforting.

He sighed. "Fine," he muttered, shaking his head. "But I'm leaving after an hour. Crowley isn't happy we're meeting so early either, so I'm not going to make him wait."

The knight laughed, pulling Will out of the room and into his arms for a quick hug.

Horace led the way to their rooms, despite Will knowing where they were going. He'd been to the royal apartments plenty of times, visiting his two friends. They chatted quietly as they walked up the stairs to the royal apartments, Horace asking how Alyss was, asking after Halt and Pauline, and everyone else in Redmont. Horace laughed loudly after Will told him Rodney got punched by a first year on accident when he was participating in the drills, breaking the Battlemaster's nose in the process. If they were both remembering correctly, the same thing had happened to Horace when he first started training.

When they made it to the royal apartments, Horace greeted the two guards standing in front of his door and they moved aside. Horace pulled out a key and unlocked the door, with Will standing slightly behind him. Will smiled at the two guards, but they quickly looked away from him. They seemed nervous to see him, Will realized, once again happy for the fact that being a Ranger would sometimes keep unwanted conversations from happening. Before, it would have made him sad that people avoided him because of his job. At the moment, it seemed fairly useful for when he didn't want to talk to others.

The door opened and Horace gestured for Will to go in ahead of him.

Slipping around his friend's chest, hand lingering, Will walked into the royal apartments. The rooms were surprisingly modest, probably something Horace brought in, but they were still large rooms compared to the one Will was in for the night. His eyes scanned the apartment, immediately picking out the entrances and exits, the hidden areas and the closed doors. He knew all of them by heart already, having been here with Horace and Cassandra before, but he checked them every time. Just in case.

"Will!" a familiar voice called out, "Horace found you!" Finally, his eyes landed on the sitting area just down a step and slightly ahead of him. Cassie stood up, and before he knew it, they were hugging, old friends meeting for the first time in a long time.

He held her tight, swinging her around. "Cassie!" Will laughed, hugging her back. The four of them—Will, Horace, Alyss, and Cassandra—were all fairly close, and, to no one else's knowledge, were all fairly casual with their mixed relationship statuses. Sometimes Horace would spend the night with Will, and sometimes Alyss and Cassandra would spend the night together. As long as they were all happy, none of them really saw what the problem was. The only reason they were getting married, Horace and Cassandra, Will and Alyss, was because Cassandra was _expected _to. Horace stepped up to the plate, understanding that people outside of their small group expected him to. Will and Alyss, although not under as much pressure, thought it would be best to follow the two of them and get married. They were all friends, so spending nights with one another wasn't unheard of.

"How have you been?" Will asked, releasing her. Her hands rested on his arms for a second while she studied him, a smile on her face. Her eyes snagged onto a new scar, one barely missing his left eye, but she didn't say anything. Scars were an expected part of being a Ranger.

She sighed, shaking her head. "Tired," she laughed lightly, letting her hands slip from Will's arms. She turned back to where she had been sitting, leading the way to the sitting area. There was a couch, which Cassie had been lounging on, and two separate comfy chairs positioned across a coffee table. There were papers spread out on the table, ones that Will recognized and didn't recognize, some with the oakleaf pendant marked on the top, others just plain parchment.

Will followed her down into the sitting area, Horace following just behind him. Cassie flung herself back onto the couch, but moved to the side slightly so Horace could sit beside her. Before he did so, though, Horace wandered into another area of the apartment, bringing back two coffee cups. He handed one to Will before sitting down next to his fiancee. She already had a cup, full of water, with a jug at the end of the table for her to refill it.

"Why's that?" Will asked Cassandra, sitting in an empty chair across from them and leaning back. He would much rather hear about what his two friends had been doing then talking about his recent explorations. There was only so much to the story. As he spoke, Cass reached forward to pick up her glass of water, making sure it wasn't getting any of her papers wet. "You always handle yourself well, Cass, so I'm sure whatever it is, you can handle it."

Cassie smiled, waving away Will's compliment. "You know how it is, Will," she laughed, moving the glass to her other hand to brush away hair that had fallen in her face. "Dad wants to give me more responsibilities, and sometimes they can be a little overwhelming."

Besides her, Horace nodded, a slight smile on his peaceful face. He seemed happy to be in both of their company, Will noted. He took a sip of the steaming liquid, even as Horace put his down for it to cool off.

"Like what?" he asked, wanting to keep the conversation going. He didn't want to say much about himself, mostly because it was the same old thing, one after another. At least with Horace and Cassandra, they had some fairly interesting encounters with nobles and the like. Plus, stories like these would give Will facts about the people around them, especially the ones that might be dangerous in the future.

The princess shrugged, leaning back and schooching closer to Horace. She leaned her head against his shoulder, a crooked smile twisting her lips. "I just had to send a courier out to Skandia to renew the treaty," she said, rolling her eyes. "I wanted to meet with them before they left, to make sure they knew everything that they needed, as well as to make sure they understood our relationship with Skandia and Erak in particular. The courier made a comment about how cold and boring it is up there and how horrible it must've been when we were there, Will." She shrugged again, a short burst of laughter slipping past her lips, as if she couldn't believe what the courier had said. "I didn't know how to explain to her that it wasn't _that _bad. Just a little cold, mostly."

Will's eyebrows shot up. He frowned, but didn't say anything. He didn't want to overstep his welcome, but at the same time… he didn't exactly agree with that statement. Skandia, at least during his time there when he was younger, was much more then '_just a little cold'._

Horace snorted at her comment, though, and for the first time in a long time, Will felt uncomfortable in his friend's presence. "And what'd she say?" Horace asked, looking at his fiancee. Evidently, Horace hadn't heard this story either.

Cassandra waved her free hand. "She said something about how slavery had to be worse then that. It's not like we really did much," she brushed something unseen off her skirt. "I mean, sure, it was cold and I had to serve some gross people, but that was basically it. It didn't get much worse then that." She _laughed _again, and this time, Will felt too uncomfortable to let it pass.

"I don't see how that's funny," Will said bluntly, placing his cup down silently. His whole body was tense, waiting for Cassandra's reaction. For Horace's reaction. Sure, they've all had disagreements with each other in the past, but this one felt too close to home for Will. Suddenly, all he wanted to do was get out of there. "I don't know about you, Cass," Will murmured, "but I didn't find anything about Skandia funny. Not then, and not now."

Cassandra turned and looked at him. Both Horace and Cassandra's eyes stared at him, but only Horace's held a shred of sympathy or regret. For a second, it looked as if Horace was going to say something. Instead, Cassandra spoke first. "Seriously, Will? It's been over a decade, let it go," she slipped from her spot against Horace, leaning closer to where Will sat across the coffee table. She didn't stand, though. "It wasn't that bad," she said, her eyes incredulous and her eyebrows raised. She placed her cup down on the wooden surface, the ceramic sound grating in Will's ears.

_It wasn't that bad … let it go … seriously, Will?_

Will looked down at his hands, clasped in between his knees. For a moment, he didn't know what to say.

"Cassie," Horace's voice said, finally speaking up after being silent for so long, "maybe—"

"Maybe, I shouldn't have come," Will cut in, his lips pursed. "I'm too tired for this, and obviously we disagree."

He went to stand from his spot, ready to abandon the hot coffee and comfy chair for less tension. He should have realized this would have happened, as he knew he and Cassie had different experiences and opinions on what happened back then. He loved her, sure, but that didn't mean that they had to get along the whole time.

"Will, please," Horace said, standing with him. Cassie remained in her spot, looking away from both of them. "Stay. It's been so long, and—"

"And right now isn't the best time for this conversation," he said calmly, keeping his eyes on the knight. There was some regret in his eyes, but he didn't say anything about it. "I'm going to bed," he said and now he looked directly at Cassandra. "I'm sorry for bothering the two of you."

Before either of them could say anything else, Will was out the door, slipping past the guards with no comment. He fled down the steps, following his instincts to where he knew his rooms were. Without even remembering how he got there, Will was in his room, closing and locking the door with barely a sound. He took a deep breath, his back against the door, feeling the panic in him starting to grow. He slid down the door, sitting in front of it and so much more grateful that he'd gotten a separate room rather then staying the night in Crowley's spare room or, even worse, a spare room in the Royal Apartments.

Ducking his head, Will focused on his breathing. At this point, he knew what was happening, and how to get himself through it. Earlier in his life, right after Skandia or during the winter, he struggled. He could barely manage to live by himself in Seacliff, so he made frequent trips to Redmont for some kind of emotional connection. But, for the first time in a long time, the ones who had normally kept him grounded were the ones to throw him off the cliff once again.

He sat there, just breathing, in front of the door for much longer then he should have. He should be asleep by now, and he knew that he would regret staying up this late in the morning when he had to wake up at the crack of dawn to speak with Crowley. But just as he stood up to make his way to the bedroom, a light knock sounded behind him.

Someone was at his door.

For a moment, he considered ignoring it and going to bed. He could avoid the whole situation by using Crowley and Duncan's meetings as excuses, and then leaving right after, but he knew that it would just strain their relationships further. If he didn't deal with them now, who's to say he would ever get to speak to them about it again, and then it would just be hanging over their heads the entire time. It could and would fracture much more then just his and Cassandra's relationship—it would affect Horace and Alyss as well.

Will sighed, closing his eyes.

Unlatching the door, he opened it just a crack to see who was out there. Either one of them, alone or together, would be a conversation he didn't want to have, but knowing what he was getting himself into would also be helpful.

Cassandra, biting her lip, smiled slightly when she saw the door open.

"Will—" she spoke quickly, probably thinking he would close the door on her. "I—I just wanted to talk to you real quick, but if you don't want to, I understand." She wrung her hands in front of her skirt, obviously unsure of her position. He considered her for a moment, still debating on if he wanted to have this conversation, before turning away towards the rest of the room. He left the door open though, figuring she would follow him in. She did. She would.

"I was going to go to bed," he said quietly, not turning back to look at her. She could say what she wanted to say and leave, for all he cared. He just didn't want their relationship, their partner's relationships, screwed up over this. Thinking on that now, he realized that with having three partners, all involved with each other in one way or another, something was bound to happen. More people meant more chances for someone to screw something up.

"I'm sorry," she said simply, standing just within the doorway and watching Will's back. "It … that was rude of me to say, back there. We both had wildly different experiences," she paused, as if trying to pick her words carefully. "We both had wildly different experiences, and it was wrong of me to treat your experiences like I do mine."

Finally, Will turned to face her, an eyebrow raised as if he didn't believe her. It wasn't that, though. It was the fact that he had expected her to hold her ground.

When he didn't respond, she stepped forward, looking at him for some sign that he was at least listening to her. "I …" she paused again, eyes trailing away from where Will stood. "I've gotten used to laughing it all off," she said, her voice barely audible. "If I laughed it off for long enough, eventually it wouldn't be such a big deal, right?"

Will stared at her.

"I—I thought, maybe if I made it seem as if I didn't care, then maybe one day, I _wouldn't _care. That it wouldn't be so bad." Cassandra kept her eyes stuck to Will's shoes, unable to look up and look him in the eye. But she kept talking, even as Will watched tears well up in her eyes. She never let them fall though. "And, I know—I know what happened to you was nothing close to what happened to me, but I guess I just—I wanted to keep laughing it off, even though I knew you can't do that."

She took a deep breath, about to say more, but Will held up his hand to stop her. Her eyes shot up to his and their eyes met; hers full of tears she wouldn't let fall, and his oddly, amazingly, dry. He was silent for another moment, and in that silence, they both studied the other.

And then he spoke.

"I get that, Cass," he said, eyes never leaving hers. "I get why you do it. But like you said, I _can't _do that. Laughing it off would just make it worse for me. And while I understand why you do it, it isn't healthy." Cassandra's mouth opened, ready to interrupt, but he kept going. He kept his hand up, telling her to be quiet. "Trying to brush off traumatic shit as if it doesn't matter just makes it build up. Believe me, that was one thing I learned _very _fast." His voice caught, his mind recalling the winters after he got back from Skandia: the nights Halt would stay up with him to keep him company, the time he got so sick, his first winter back, that Halt wouldn't let him train for a month and made sure his friends came over to keep him company whenever he wasn't around. The times Will struggled, and Horace or Alyss would gently pull him back to the present in just the right way. And, even, the nights he and Halt were in Araluen, and he and Cassandra would get slightly tipsy and talk for hours and hours just to get whatever they needed out in the open.

Will was pretty sure those were the only times Cass had spoke about her experiences in Skandia to anyone.

She had always laughed her side of things off, Will knew, but telling _him_ to get over _his side_ was crossing a line.

And evidently, she understood that. She nodded, eyes finally looking away from him.

"I get it, Cass," he said again, his voice falling quieter, "but for now, I'm going to need some space."

Slowly, she nodded, and looked back to him. She met his eyes with no hesitation, the strength he knew her for coming back as if it had never left. "Okay," she said, her fists balling at her sides. She let go a pent up breath, giving him a small smile. "Okay."

She left not to long after that, leaving with a small peck on his cheek and a sad smile only the two of them would understand. By then it was far past midnight, and Will would have to be up to meet Crowley in just over a few hours. He debated just staying up the rest of the night, knowing that falling asleep wouldn't be easy for him. But he would have plenty of traveling to do the next day, and going off of absolutely no sleep wasn't the best idea. Crowley would understand if he stayed for an extra few hours after their meeting with Duncan, knowing that he had gotten in late and would be waking up early as well.

His eyes went to the side, where he could see the bed through the open door to the bedroom. At the moment, it didn't even look that comfortable—too soft and fluffy for someone who was used to sleeping on the ground in the forest, or, at the very most, a mattress that he was sure was older then him in a drafty old cabin. Sighing, Will turned away from the bedroom doorway, instead wandering over to the window that looked out on the front courtyard of Castle Araluen. Maybe it was because it was such a heavy winter that Will had taken Cassandra's words so hard, but even so, that didn't lessen how much her words had hurt.

Sitting down in the window sill, Will looked out onto the snow covered courtyard, eyes seeing everything and nothing all at once. He wouldn't be getting sleep that night, he knew, despite how tired he was. His body was too wired, too confused, to calm down and let him get some much needed rest. Leaning forward, Will lazily placed his forehead against the glass window, feeling the freezing cold through it despite the blazing fire in the room behind him. He had the whole night ahead of him, a night full of tough memories and lonely thoughts, but he knew that it wouldn't be the end of him.

Will smiled tightly, closing his eyes and relaxing into the touch of pure cold, ignoring the pain it brought.

It hadn't ended him the first time, and it wouldn't get him this time either.

He had too much to do and too little time to do it. This wouldn't be the first winter night he lost sleep to.


End file.
